The April Fool's Day 2009 Edition
Hi, I'm a Printer. You Come Here Often? WhatTheyThink Announces First Industry Dating Service
WhatTheyThink is proud to announce a new service for the industry: WhatTheyThink Dating.
The decline in the total number of industry trade events over the decades has limited the ability of print personnel to meet. WhatTheyThink Dating makes the process easier, offering the opportunity to meet others with compatible interests. “It is now possible to discover soul mates based on essential personality traits and their interests in the industry we all know and love. The questionnaire includes topics such as feelings about JDF, preference for Adobe InDesign or QuarkXpress, and the ultimate question, Mac or Windows,” claimed Harmon E. Matchh, Director of WhatTheyThink Networking Products. The motto of the new service is, “If files need to be compatible, the people who create them should be, too.”
Mr. Matchh said, sadly, “We're not sure where to put the Linux lovelorn; maybe our experiences helping the letterpress and intaglio folks will come in handy for that.”
There has been some concern about the viability of many printing companies in light of the economic downturn. Many industry experts have suggested that this is a prime time for industry consolidation. “The only downside to romantic relationships fueling such business consolidation,” said economist Dr. Joe Webb, “is that they often result in the formation of new enterprises that have the best and the worst of the original companies and require substantial investments for at least 18 years before they can stand on their own.”
Facebook Declares Independence, Demands Recognition as Sovereign Nation
by Richard Romano
Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, recently found himself in a quandary. He knew the popular social networking site needed retooling, but many at the company felt that a simple redesign was too small and insignificant. A strategy meeting was called but yielded little that was actionable or compelling. However, when Facebook’s Chief Strategy Officer returned to the office after an algebra midterm, he proposed a bold idea. “With more than 36 million users, Facebook could technically be the 35th largest nation on Earth, ahead of Algeria’s population of 35 million and even Canada’s 34 million. So why don’t we?”
There was a silence in the room. “Why don’t we what?” Zuckerberg asked.
“Become a nation. Declare our independence. It’s certainly bolder than picking a new logo color.”
While Zuckerberg had considered changing the logo color, and perhaps even re-imbuing it with the special powers that the Salem, MA-based design firm DesignMagic had conferred upon it, he immediately liked his CTO’s idea. So, last month, company management sent a note to all its users telling them they were now citizens of the sovereign nation of Facebook. The company wrote its new constitution—in the form of a FAQ—on the founder’s Wall. In terms of the new nation’s economy, Facebook is now the first nation whose GDP is entirely advertising-based. Top American economists are also considering such a model for the U.S.
“In the 21st century, conventional notions of nationhood are obsolete,” said His Honor Mark Zuckerberg, the first President of Facebook. “I envision a new kind of Triple Alliance of Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn. Once that happens, we will rule the world.” Zuckerberg added, “Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”
Said Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, in response to Facebook’s request to become a member nation, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
As a result, Facebook has declared a flame war against the U.N., with thousands of terse, snarky comments submitted via the U.N.’s Web site (http://www.un.org/comments.html).
It is rumored that the nation of Facebook is seeking to host the 2016 Olympic games, which is not without its challenges. “There are times when not having a physical country can be a detriment,” said Zuckerberg. Still, Facebook is exploring its options, such as forming strategic partnerships with physical nations to exchange land for advertising space. “We could take over Kashmir and solve several problems simultaneously.”
Facebook has even been trying to convince the International Olympic Committee to make the games “virtual.” “We think as a ‘game,’ World of Warcraft is just as legitimate as downhill skiing, perhaps even more so,” said Zuckerberg.
Said Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Said Zuckerberg, “Our vast armies of long-lost high school classmates will crush anyone who stands in our way.”
All Press Manufacturers Acquired by Russian and Middle East Sovereign Funds
Boris Rollerfelloff, portfolio manager for the billions of dollars of oil monies in the Russian sovereign fund, has decided to buy every printing press manufacturer worldwide in one fell swoop. “We like the printing industry, especially offset, because when you make a first impression, you throw it away. You can get a fresh start, hundreds of times per day, on every print job. In every other industry, first impressions count, but in printing, sometimes you get to make a hundred impressions before you make the one you are happy with.”
Rumors of Russian interest in acquiring manufacturers arose last year, and were met with dismay by one industry executive. Over time, however, the Russian interests are being met with less resistance.
Twitter Supplanted by New “Nanoblogging” Service
by Richard Romano
Twitter, the popular microblogging Web site that lets users post messages in discrete “tweets” of 140 characters or less is seeing its site traffic fall off abruptly as users move to Nitter, a new “nanoblogging” site that limits posts—or “nits”—to a single character.
The primary challenge, according to Nitter president j, was deconstructing the English language, but he admits that a lot of that groundwork has already been laid. “The advent of instant and text messaging has paved the way for an abbreviated way of communicating. Common expressions like lol, k, btw, and many others have already removed much of the complexity, nuance, and useless beauty of the English language, so it was really just a logical next step to reduce all communication to a single character.” Indeed, Nitter users pride themselves on being able to boil down complex thoughts to one letter. A top Nitter is g, who attracted thousands of followers thanks to his trenchant commentary on the government’s economic stimulus plan. “I mean, after the Administration announced its latest plan, he nitted ‘z’. I mean, that was beautiful and brilliant,” says &, another popular Nitter. “I have never seen complicated economic issues expressed so simply yet cogently.”
Alas, the popularity of Nitter may itself be short-lived, as a new start-up called Pitter is seeking support for its new “picoblogging” service. That is, Pitter limits posts—or “pits”—to only a portion of a character. “You’d be surprised how expressive a single serif can be,” says -, founder of Pitter.
Printers of the United States (PUS) Changes Name to “Printers of the United States (POTUS)”
Printers of the United States (PUS) has announced that the organization will change its name to Printers of the United States (POTUS). “Using the same name may be confusing to some, but with this change, we're also changing our acronym to give us the 'inside the Beltway' feel that every association needs,” said C. A. Elkins, executive director. Ms. Elkins said that the association the Secret Service acronym for “President of the United States,” POTUS, to garner more name recognition and news coverage. It also removed a problem with the prior acronym. “You have to be careful when you name an association because associations always end up being known by their acronyms. Sometimes the wrong three-letter acronym (known as “TLA” in the trade) can create a negative impression when people first see it.”
The idea to change the initials but keep the same name, “reflected the diligent pondering of committees and individuals for more than a year,” according to Ms. Elkins. “Just like other important activities inside the Beltway,” she mused, “even the most obvious and simple things can be drawn out and take forever or longer.”
USPS Announces Discounts for Mail that Meets New Sorting and Handling Equipment Specifications
The United States Postal Service has announced that there is a new discounted rate for printed materials that match the size of its new sorting and processing equipment. The size is 3 inches wide by 27 inches long, and between 1.75 and 2.05 inches thick. “This fits all of our equipment well,” stated Pape Puscher, logistics subcommittee chairperson to the subdirector of the USPS interindustry cooperation board. “We've had this before our committee since 1933 and it got through on narrow vote. It's kind of funny, because this is a narrow size, much like a newspaper column width.” The size was considered helpful to publishers who served commuter markets. Many readers of newspapers found it difficult to fold newspapers or to read books while on crowded trolleys or subways. “This meets so many needs, especially in an era where we want more people to use public transportation. Now publishers can make their materials available and ship them directly to these consumers. In just a matter of days, consumers can receive the latest news in a format convenient for their lifestyle.” The discounted price is 1.263% less than typical first class. “We know that publishers and printers will jump at this new price,” added Puscher. “We've been studying this for a long time, so we know this is just what the market needs.” The new rate will be subject to the weekly percentage rate increases the Postal Rate Guardians previously approved. “It's important that we maintain our leadership in these critical times,” Puscher says.
News From 2099: SyQuest and SneakerNet Archive Found
A Harvard University archaeologist has made a major discovery in the former publishing and advertising district excavations in New York City. “We have found square plastic enclosures with small round magnetic plastic sheets inside,” said Dr. Bernoulli Bocks. “No one is quite sure what they were used for, and we are having difficulty figuring what they are. What is very strange is that there was a dense layer of purple sneakers in the same area. In the layers of materials we have found, it was unclear what this was, but there are some older documents mentioning something called 'Sneaker-Net.' We have theorized that this was a subcomponent of the Internet, a slow and tedious way of transmitting information. The idea that people would actually walk these plastic enclosures to each other was interesting in itself, but it seemed to involve a ritual of carrying hot brown liquids from person to person, while commenting on some co-workers’ competence in a negative manner.” Dr. Bocks is continuing the work at this site for the next few months before heading across town looking for the elusive remains of the “Grey Lady.” The archaeologist is not exactly sure who she was. “But she had a lot of political influence in her time,” he explains.
WhatTheyThink Refuses TARP Money; Dares Other Publications to Join Them
In a bold announcement, WhatTheyThink CFO Bill DeClient said "WhatTheyThink does not understand why it is being pressured to take TARP money when it has been producing positive results for its owners and stakeholders." DeClient added, "We call on other industry publications to join us in being independent of government prescribed financing."
When asked for more details, such as when the offer of TARP money was made, and who was pressuring the company to participate, Mr. DeClient refused to comment. When asked who owns WhatTheyThink, DeClient was also evasive. One frustrated reporter at the press conference shouted out , "You were never offered TARP money, and you don't even work for WhatTheyThink!"
DeClient grudingly agreed with the statement and then spoke out about bonuses paid to executives in "Big Offset" and "Big Digital."
Following this outburst, an unmarked white panel truck pulled up outside the building. Three medical attendants with what appeared to be a white jacket with lots of belts approached Mr. DeClient. As te action unfolded, reporters moved on to other pressing issues, notably what to do with the remaining bagels and muffins.
Heidelberg Launches Home and Leisure Division
In a bid to redefine the structure and operation of the company, Heidelberger Druckmaschinen AG is establishing a number of separate operational divisions to branch out into new markets and to exploit the company’s excess manufacturing capacity. The first of these divisions is Heidelberg Home and Leisure. The first product from this division has just been announced. This is a gas fired outdoor barbecue called the Heidelburger.