The April Fool's Day 2008 Edition

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Xerox Installs HP Indigo, Heidelberg installs KBA Rapida 105  

In an awkward sale, sources report that Xerox is driving new profit opportunities with an HP Indigo press ws4500. Because of the streamlined production capabilities possible with the press, Xerox has added a number of clients in the health and beauty, food and beverage, vitamin and nutraceutical and general retail markets, including new customers in the private label industry. A buyer at Xerox says the HP Indigo press ws4500 is capable of offering high-quality multiple-SKU jobs in quantities where costs for multiple flexographic plate changes prove to be too expensive. The ws4500 will be installed in Rochester.

Sources also state that Heidelberg has installed the 18,000sph Rapida 105 high-performance 41-inch sheetfed press sporting a number of unique features such as sidelay free Sensoric Infeed System infeed. More details on these deals to follow.

EFI Acquisition Exec Fired

EFI, a highly acquisitive company that almost purchased itself in 2005, has fired its VP of Deals. A company source says EFI has just grown weary of all the work that goes into buying another company. Said one unnamed source "The phone calls, the talking, the meetings, the paper work, the lawyers – my God the lawyers!!!" EFI has told shareholders there would be no more deals until later this year.

"Without Printing, There's No Recycling" is Hard Copy Coalition's New Theme

Beltway, MD -- April 1, 2008 – The Hard Copy Coalition (HCC) announced its new theme in support of printed materials, "Without Printing, There's No Recycling" at a presentation held at the National Press Club in Washington, DC yesterday.

Rex Longhills, president of the organization, was joined by Franklin Staves, head of the Recyclers Board, in explaining the new initiative. "A generation of Americans has grown up believing that print is bad; it's our job to explain to them that print is good because it allows them to publicly express their environmental concern by active participation in recycling programs. If there are no printed materials, they will have impaired ability to offer their support for the environment in a meaningful way. We are pleased to initiate this campaign on behalf of our children and the generations who will follow us."

The Recyclers Board has a special interest in supporting the HCC's efforts. Since mid-2007 the number of employees in the recycling industry has decreased by 2.5%. Staves said "Recycling is a noble endeavor, and it would be an outrage if this fine industry, much of which is owned by multi-generation families, would die because no one used print any more. This is why we have fought hard for new proposed legislation in Congress, which now has bipartisan support, to require that all new ideas disseminated to ten or more people, must be printed." The proposed law also sets up a fund to assist recycling workers whose jobs might be displaced by a future lack of printed materials that would otherwise be recycled. The assistance includes retraining for other jobs that might be growing at that time. "We hope that provision is not required, but it's there to assist family recyclers, who are declining in number, because of large corporations who, because of their size, have been putting them out of business."

The Recyclers Board is concerned about recycling jobs being outsourced to Mexico and China. "Some of our paper waste is shipped overseas already, and it has to stop," Staves said. For the first time, we have asked the Commerce department to put a tariff on waste paper before it has been shipped to make to save U.S. recycling jobs."

The U.S. Postal Service is also getting involved in a program to encourage recycling, yet reduce harmful emissions. The USPS has set up a program with the advice of the HCC and the Recyclers Board where printed materials can be mailed directly to recycling operations, rather than delivered to home or business addresses, at the option of the intended recipient. "This shows our commitment to reducing the amount of energy and waste, human and otherwise, used to deliver mail." The program, called "D2R" for "direct to recycling" includes e-mailing certification forms that verify the transaction. This is sent to the originally intended recipient, notifying them that the participating Recycling Board member has received the printed materials and has entered them into the recycling process. "It is essential that we recognize that new technologies are here to stay, and that we use these e-mail certifications as part of the D2R program. This helps us reach a new audience with our high-tech, high-touch message."



PanKromatek Color System Recalled; Designers Dismayed

Seehemwai Quay, FL – April 1, 2008 – Developers at the colorimetric labs and renowned industry supplier PanKromatek announced today that they needed to recall their new color control system, used by graphic designers, agencies, and printing companies worldwide.

Introduced at last year's GraphExpo show in Chicago, the new system featured a broader array of colors and a more detailed colorimetric description of those colors for effective use in all media, whether print or electronic.

"It was an unfortunate error that was not uncovered until we had fielded the product, despite months of field testing," announced the CEO of the company, Randolph G. Beckman.

A customer, who was not named in the company statement, realized that a whiter shade of pale grey was missing. Another issue was related to the experience of some manufacturers based in China, who requested color swatch books in leaded and unleaded versions, as the element has a distinct effect on color reflection and visualization.

This created a problem for PanKromatek, because each color in their system had been assigned a unique whole number. The missing color will be known as "PH Grey 33.3" in new swatchbooks. Color profiles for color management systems and production software will be available for download on Wednesday, April 2.



WTT Speakers Bureau Announces New Offering: From Start to Save

Wilhelm, IL – April 1, 2008 – Mr. Vince Naselli, director of WhatTheyThink.com's extensive speakers bureau program, announced a new product for event and seminar planners who are concerned about speakers not being able to hold the attention of their audiences. "Many of us are great fans of baseball, and we became fascinated with the strategy of having a starting pitcher, set-up pitchers, and then a closer."

A typical plan would be to have one of the speakers, such as Dr. Joe Webb or Frank Romano, followed by someone more sensible and enthusiastic, such as Cary Sherburne, Barb Pellow, or Gail Nickel-Kailing. And then for a closer, we decided that having a very tall speaker like Bill Farquharson or Noel Ward, who would force the audience to tug their heads up off their desks and notepads and "fight the sandman" whose sleep-like state is induced by the constant barrage of industry statistics of Dr. Webb and Mr. Romano.

Dr. Webb commented, "Of all of the consultants I know, I believe that Bill is the tallest." Frank Romano was not available for comment, but the idea was floated by him in January.

Clients interested in pursuing the idea should contact the speaker management firm of Sutter, Lyle, Rivera, and Fingers who is assisting Mr. Naselli in implementing this new program.



Dr. Webb Discovers Flaw in Forecasting Models: Printing has been Growing, Not Declining; WhatTheyThink Fires the Pundit of Pundits

Eatcrow, NJ – April 1, 2008 – After maintaining for almost a decade that the U.S. commercial printing industry was in decline, Dr. Joseph Webb, the now former director of the WhatTheyThink.com Economics & Research Center, corrected his historical trends and forecasts as one of his last acts.

"I had to face facts," said the red-faced Webb. "It was a bug in my version of Microsoft Excel 97 that started the problem, and it just snowballed from there. Shame on me for not catching it. It's hard to believe that for almost ten years I've been saying that industry shipments have been declining, when they weren't. I've been the only one with that assessment while everyone else was saying how great things are. It turns out they were right. No wonder I've felt so lonely these past six years."

Dr. Webb explained to our intrepid reporter Jefferson Eastman, "My box of Jenkins smoothing software just caused exponential problems, creating a secular trend where an upside breakout was misread as a double-bottom decline within the expected coefficients of oscillation and geometric permutation."

A spokesman for WhatTheyThink said "All we know is that he left a phone message saying we've been reproducing his charts upside down for the last six years and that he was going on unpaid sabbatical and did not know when he would return. We apologize to the industry for our lack of supervision. The industry can rest assured that we will never let him work for us again. We thought he was a contrarian, but his entire career seemed to be based on saying the opposite of what others said, with no basis in fact. He was no contrarian, he was just disagreeable, like he was always looking for an argument, even though he knew that an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition, and not just a contradiction."

Rumors are that the Economics and Research Center will now issue statistics produced by a chimp named Bingo and a dartboard that has a big circle divided into three equal pieces, labeled as "growth," "decline," and "sideways." Insiders say Bingo sometimes misses the dartboard completely, producing off-target forecasts just like his human counterparts.



Reports on Environmentally Responsible Printing Initiatives to Increase Waste in U.S. Landfills, Says New Report on Environmentally Responsible Printing Initiatives

Islipsand Falls, NY — April 1, 2008 — The total number of reports to be published in the next 18 months on so-called "green printing" will generate an additional 250 tons of waste that will be deposited into U.S. landfills, according to a new report released today from the Industry Resource Organization of New York. "Reports, white papers, magazine articles, and catalogs promoting ‘environmentally responsible’ items will generate more waste than would have been the case if such initiatives had never come to the forefront of the industry," says Kelly Lime, lead researcher for the new report. The report recommends that such reports as itself be passed along to more than one person and, when done being read, used for note paper, shopping lists, to do lists, and other such uses. Even better, says Lime, "read the report online or as a PDF, that way you are not generating any new paper waste."

Added a representative for Consolidated Edison, who twirled his mustache and asked to remain anonymous, "Yes, we whole-heartedly feel that more things should be read online. And make sure all the lights are burning in your office, too; we don’t want anyone to get unnecessary eyestrain. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!"

The Industry Resource Organization of New York had early on experimented with edible paper and ink, so its reports could be eaten when they were done being read. "For some reason, our reports just didn’t sit well with many readers," said Lime.

You have to see these videos!

An Exclusive Behind-the-Scenes Look at WhatTheyThink

Getting It Right At WhatTheyThink.com: The Outtakes!

Forecast: By 2012, Printing Industry Consultants to Outnumber Commercial Printing Establishments

Doublebill, OK — April 1, 2008 —If current trends continue, industry experts warn, the number of consultants is poised to overtake the number of commercial printers within five years. "Shops are closing and consolidating, while at the same time trade publications and associations are contracting, causing a simultaneous dearth of shops and glut of consultants," says one industry insider. What this means, experts believe, is that commercial shops will be able to get "one-on-one" consulting services, fitting, since highly targeted, one-to-one marketing is exactly what consultants have been preaching for years.

Frank Romano Goes on Six-Month World Cruise; Amtrak Desperate

Somewhere at Sea—April 1, 2008 — In response to hearing the news that industry veteran Frank Romano has commenced a six-month around-the-world cruise on the S.S. Victoria in January, Amtrak President and CEO Alexander Kummant said, in a prepared statement, "Nnnnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!" After he regained his composure, Kummant added, "This poses almost insurmountable problems for the U.S. rail industry. All of Amtrak’s financial projections were based on Frank maintaining his usual domestic travel schedule, even taking into account our four-year ‘DRUPA Correction Factor.’" A Congressional investigation is slated to begin in late April, but it is believed that Amtrak will have no recourse but to suspend many of its less popular routes, which is to say, all of them. Rumors that Kummant was trying to commandeer a U-boat to pursue the Victoria have been disproven.

Frank Romano could not be reached for comment, although when last spotted, he was in the Australian Outback slipping copies of his most recent book into the pouches of wild kangaroos, who were said to be "hopping mad" about it.



Google, China and Sovereign Fund of Dubai Acquire Entire U.S. Printing Industry for $90 Billion

Dubai, UAE, and Hong Kong, and Mountain View, CA -- April 1, 2008 – The more than 25,000 commercial printing establishments of the United States were bought by three of the biggest financial entities in worldwide finance. The three investors had vastly different reasons for their investments. China has about $1.4 trillion in dollars, and needs to deploy them to repatriate their holdings and to counter significant negative publicity about the trade deficit. Dubai's investment fund, built with petrodollars, growing with increased oil prices, has $13 billion to invest, with few options for investment. Google has $14 billion in cash and short-term obligations, is seeking to build an empire outside of digital media. Like many of their acquisitions, the company seeks an "unobvious" entry point that can be used as leverage with content owners, such as major publishers.

Gorman Sacks, advisor to the consortium, said through a spokesperson "we paid about twenty times earnings, which we felt was a good deal, despite the obvious premium."

The manager of the new organization will be Dr. Joe Webb, who recently left his position at WhatTheyThink.com under very mysterious circumstances (see related story). An insider to the deal, who wished to remain anonymous, stated "Dr. Webb had always talked about things like he owned the industry, and now he finally has his wish." One of the CEOs of a purchased company opined "For years he was talking down the industry, and it was just so he could get a better price for his partners."

The consortium of investors is expected to close all of the locations of current commercial printers and consolidate them into a central location in Fernwood, Ohio. It is rumored that Barth Gimble will be the CEO of the new organization.



New "PrintingForMore.com" Website Solves Industry Problem of Cut-throat Pricing

Alto Precio, Arizona -- April 1, 2008 – A quiet industrial park outside Phoenix, Arizona, hosts a new venture in the printing industry, reminding one of the Internet boom nearly a decade ago. Started by two entrepreneurs, Stan and Yosh Shmenge, who made their fortune in the entertainment industry many years ago, the new business solves a serious problem that has plagued the printing industry since Johann Gutenberg: prices too low to allow owners to make enough money to stay in business.

"For years we're heard from our friends in the printing business that they had trouble making money, so they could not afford our albums or to come to our concerts," says Stan Shmenge, whose wistful eyes hide the mind of a calculating investor. Yosh interrupts "So we came up with the idea that they should just charge higher prices."

And with that, a new business was born. When asked why their shop floor was so quiet, Stan replied "We put up a web site with a picture of our building and our cars parked in front, and our phone number. We also made a list of our equipment, especially our Heidelberg Windmill letterpress we got as a gift from one of our close friends in the old country." Yosh sighed at the thought of his native Leutonia. "We have the Linotype from our country's monthly newspaper, the Leutonia World Guardian Herald Times and Ledger (the name was the result of a product of a consolidating newspaper industry in Leutonia). The newspaper was was published every eleven days, so it’s still like new! With good, reliable, and tested equipment like this, you have to charge more, and people need to pay it."

Stan still had not answered the question. "Don't worry, people will realize what good printers we are, and they will come, just like they did at our shows." Until, then, there’s always accordion music in the background, and a fresh serving of cabbage rolls and coffee waiting for them in the cafeteria.

Printers Add Ancillary Services of Laundry, Furniture Repair, and Other Profitable Tasks

Kleen, TN -- April 1, 2008 – Tyde Axion of Kleen Press is a real dynamo, and as a small business owner, he's used to venturing away from his core business just to see what happens. "Printing is a tough business, and it requires tough people," friends and employees say about him. "He gives it his all. He's bold, he's full of cheer. We think he's just fab."

Tyde stumbled on a unique business idea about a year ago, when he added a compete laundry operation to his business. "People saw the sign on our building, 'Kleen Press', and they would bring clothes in. One day, we weren't too busy, so instead of sending them on their way, we decided to take their order. They were a little confused when we asked them if they wanted to watch the clothes being washed, and when we offered them 2/10-net/30 for payment, but it would be okay if they paid in 55 days just like everyone else does." So we bought a steam press, and before you know it, we have a new service to offer our clients. They bring in their CDs and DVDs with their desktop publishing files and desktop proofs, and the soiled skirts, dresses and suits from the weddings and bar mitzvahs they went to that weekend."

When some of their customers heard they had a finishing department, they started to bring in chipped and cracked furniture, asking that they be fixed and refinished. "That work is a little more difficult," Tyde says. "It's hard to get someone who's been running a 40" Komori press to use actual varnish on real wood."

The new ventures have improved business considerably. Tyde had first heard about ancillary services from industry publications and trade associations. "It's certainly a new era for the printing biz, and we have a lot to gain." Then he jokes "Imagine what kind of business we'd have here if we still had strippers."

Report from ad:tech - Entire U.S. Economy to Be Ad-Supported

Madison Avenue, NYC - April 1, 2008 - At yesterday’s ad hoc ad:tech keynote session, advertising industry executives predict that within three years the entire U.S. economy will be advertising-supported. Following the lead of Google and other new media companies, goods and services will all be provided free of charge, producers and suppliers making money by selling advertising space on those products or via those services. From toothpaste, to laundry detergent, to clothing, to cars, to professional services, all products once for sale will now be free of charge, but embedded with advertising which will essentially pay for the manufacturing of the products. Advertising will comprise traditional print advertising, combined with special audiovisual components that will make ad messages more eye- and ear-catching. Speaking ad nauseam, Dr. Johann Faust, keynote speaker at ad:tech, said with a devlish grin, "While there are some who may initially object to having a medicine cabinet full of rich media-enabled consumer goods packages, all making noise into the wee hours of the night, we think that’s a small price to pay—as it were—for free products." He then showed a video clip of a new housing development in Orange County, Calif. The homes were, again, free, but supported by advertising. "The merging of residential home construction and electronic billboard marketing is, we believe, one of the solutions to a flagging housing market."

Faust sees the next stage of an ad-supported economy as a solution to one of the most pressing issues today: rising health care costs. "Doctors will no longer charge for their services but will themselves be ad-supported. Traditional blue or green surgical scrubs will be replaced with uniforms that can dynamically display different sponsors’ messages." Faust adds that the ads’ audio components have been shown to work subliminally on patients who are under general anesthesia.

During the Q&A portion of the session, however, one skeptic tried to throw a bucket of cold water on the proceedings by pointing out, "If nobody charges for anything anymore, what’s the point of advertising?" It was at that point that four panelists from an afternoon session grabbed the questioner and escorted him out of the room. He was last seen being thrown down an elevator shaft.



Bernanke Moves to Save Printing Industry and the Economy in Single Genius Move

Washington, DC – April 1, 2008 -- Fed chairman Ben Bernanke's recent easing of interest rates and aggressive actions in mortgage markets may have a more targeted purpose: saving the printing industry by increasing the use of supplies like paper and ink, and creating an inflationary environment where printers can finally raise prices.

"People keep saying the Fed is printing too much money, when they really have not been printing enough," said Intaglio Prociutto, director of the Security Printing Alliance. "We are pleased that our efforts, along with the Hard Copy Coalition, have convinced the Fed that more money means a healthy printing industry. What's good for the printing industry is good for America."

An anonymous source, close to the Fed hierarchy, said that "By printing more money, we can save the economy and the industry. It's a win-win situation. Those Friedmanians and Austrian economists are just trying to divert attention from our important service to the American people. It's all about jobs... ours, as a matter of fact. Unless we have a strong banking sector, there'll be no place for us to go after our terms are up."

Because of the higher inflation, printers will start raising prices. "There was a time in our industry when running a press was like having a license to print money. At the Department of the Treasury and Federal Reserve, they're doing just that," noted printing consultant Rand Kopec. "It's about time that the Treasury Department actually issued licenses to print money. I'm sure many printers would be anxious to buy them. Instead, we have the government usurping this activity when the private economy could be much more efficient and provide a much better deal for the American taxpayer. In the meantime, we're thrilled with Ben Bernanke turning on the presses, and wish he would run for President in 2008."



HP Invests in Major "Green" Recycling Program

HP is making a major green initiative with a large-scale investment in building recycling plants in a number of locations in USA, Israel and Singapore. These recycling plants will take used consumable materials from HP Indigo and HP Scitex customers.

The three plants will all be built to have negative carbon footprints making use of solar and wind energy as well as rain water to conform with HP’s plans to become a carbon neutral company throughout the world. The plants will also make use of reprocessing of human waste materials from the plants’ public conveniences to generate further electricity.

The three plants will take the following consumables from HP Indigo and HP Scitex customers.

• HP Imaging Oil and used HP Indigo ElectroInks recovered from printed work.
• Used ink and recovered solvents from HP Scitex products.
• Used inks from HP Scitex UV printers where the inks have been removed using HP’s patented, and as yet unannounced, reverse UV curing process.
• Used cooking oil from the restaurant facilities of HP’s customers and from HP’s restaurant facilities at their offices and plants.

The new plants will convert the used consumables into HP’s new product Electro Bio Diesel. This new product will be used initially to power all HP delivery vehicles used for the delivering HP’s products and for collecting the waste consumables from customers. HP Electro Bio Diesel will be the highest performance bio diesel product on the market (figures verified by Infotrends) and will rapidly take market leadership in the market for bio diesel products. HP intends to rapidly increase production of HP Electro Bio Diesel and will inroduce a new range of HP Indigo and HP Scitex products that will be powered by HP Bio Diesel instead of electricity. HP Electro Bio Diesel has the lowest carbon footprint of all bio diesel products on the market.

President George Bush has offered his congratulations to HP on their introduction of Electro Bio Diesel and he believes it will have a major impact on reducing world global warming. Senators Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama have also sent messages of congratulations to HP and plan to use HP Electro Bio Diesel wherever possible in their ongoing campaigns for the Democratic party’s nomination.

HP Indigo and HP Scitex customers will pay an additional click charge on every print to cover the costs of running this new environment programme.