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 April Fool's Day Special Edition


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Consultant Group Admits They are "Obfuscatious Know-Nothings"

April 1, 2005 -- (Washington)- Dewey Cheatem & Howe, the trade group for printing consultants, today admitted to being "obfuscatious know-nothings" before a Congressional hearing. Senator Claghorn (D-TN) suggested the consultants were "full of something commonly excreted by farm animals that emitted a pungent, noticeable odor, but not discussed in polite company during proceedings in such an esteemed deliberative body as the 'United' States Senate." Association president Vito "Expense Account" Fazzuli, author of the book Profit is Good: A Guide to Double-Billing WIthout Guilt, said, "We are often masters of the obvious, and it's obvious what you are referring to, Senator." It has long been suspected that these so called "industry experts" simply confirm what clients already knew but wanted to feel better about or did not want to take the blame for implementing without an “expert opinion.”

Senator Vince Schails said, "We knew this all along; heck, it was obvious to everyone. Like lobbyists, consultants are a great reservoir of knowledge about fine restaurants and the best golf courses. It was good to have these fine-looking men in women in here, to hear their wisdom first hand." Senator Shel Gayme, head of the budget committee, expressed sadness that so many people were tied up consulting when they could be running companies or doing other productive work. "To be trapped in such a profession where one doesn't know where the next dollar will come from is difficult. We will be proposing price supports and guaranteed income for all consultants." Sen. Gayme's family was "visiting" with some "friends" of association president Fazzuli in New Jersey during the testimony, and he hoped to see them soon for an "extended family vacation, and to get a special behind-the-scenes tour of Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands with some of my friends in the waste management business."

After the meeting, the group sent Congress a bill for its preparation and presentation time, travel and hotel expenses, and proposed a 12-month prepaid retainer program with "free" phone support.



Special Note: All these stories are presented in the true spirit of April Fool's Day. None of these stories are true, nor are they intended to reflect the strategy and intent of any real person or company. Our purpose with the April Fool's Edition is to elicit a smile, and we hope you will enjoy our spoof! We are an Equal Opportunity Offender: Our contributors name many industry companies in their stories, none of which should be taken seriously. Please offer your feedback


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