Alan Greenspan testified before Congress yesterday, and following the event I received a call from C-Span thanking me for watching the entire speech. It seemed that I was the only one who had the channel on for the duration of his presentation. When Greenspan said "The measured pace of irrational exuberance has been in place for a considerable period, representing an economic conundrum" it appeared to cause many people's cable boxes to behave erratically, automatically switching their channels to a TV Land rerun of 1960's spy spoof, "Get Smart." The C-Span caller claimed that the stress of so many Greenspan-isms in one sentence caused cable outtages throughout the Northeast, and for some reason my cable box was protected. I explained to them that I had installed it myself, and that I had passed on the "expert installation" offered by Cox Cable. I further explained that I had never trusted experts before, and I don't trust them now.

Reporters who personally viewed Greenspan's testimony noted that they awoke quite refreshed, but when told that Greenspan had linked so many "Greenspeaks" in one sentence, they were shocked. Because they were so close to deadline, however, due to the extended napping time, they filed stories that said, "Greenspan implies little change in rates unless pre-emptive move is required," which they had used in previous reports quite successfully in the past.

How fitting that just before baseball season starts, I uncover the real reason printing shipments have been sluggish the past few years: it’s Ken Griffey Jr.’s fault. “Junior,” as he is called, in deference to his father who was also a star major leaguer, has been injured the past few years and has had little playing time. His hard play has landed him on the disabled list multiple times. The chart below shows how close the relationship is.

The Griffey comparisons with the printing industry are numerous and quite shocking.

• Cincinnati Reds management pays Griffey $12 million a year to play, and he has been unable to. This is not unlike print shop owners buying multimillion dollar presses only to find they can’t fill them to capacity.
• After the Reds acquired Griffey, they moved to a new stadium and found they couldn’t fill the seats, and had to lower prices and run promotions, much like the printing industry has done with its aggressive pricing.
• In 1990, Junior and his father played in the same outfield for the Seattle Mariners, the only time this has occurred in major league baseball. At that time, the printing industry was shifting from big digital color systems (represented by Ken Griffey, Sr.) to desktop color (represented by Junior). Senior retired in 1991, which was one of the last profitable years for big color systems, and Junior would have his best years in the mid-1990s, in much the same way Quark, Apple, and Adobe did in terms of their industry adoption.
• It was after the Internet became a daily way of life that Griffey started to have problems with injuries and was not operating at his best level, coincidentally the same time that our industry was shedding about 1,000 establishments a year.

As of this writing, Junior appears to be healthy, though the Reds were careful about how much time he spent on the field during spring training. This caution means that his physical condition might still be fragile, just like our industry’s condition. It would behoove all printing executives to check the box scores every day to see if Griffey has played or not. His field performance does not matter; all he has to do is be in the lineup and it our industry downturn will be over.

On the Web:

Ken Griffey, Jr.

Ken Griffey, Sr.

Major League Baseball scoreboard

WhatTheyThink Announces Industry-Leading Webinar Series

In another move sure to cement WhatTheyThink’s leading position as the best news and information source for the printing and publishing industry, President, Randy Davidson, announced the Webinar line-up for the second quarter. He said, “This new webinar series promises to be the best we have ever produced. It is a valuable addition to the efforts underway to ensure that print remains a viable communications medium far into the future, and will help our readers keep up with the latest trends.”

Making Sense of Variable Data Printing (moderated by Stephen Hawkings)

Leave it to the smartest man on the planet to finally figure out this complicated technology. This 18-hour webinar will explain how to make a profit in Variable Data Printing. To participate in this session, you will need your abacus, a slide rule, access to the Cray Supercomputer, and 300 hundred cups of coffee.

Nepotism in Printing: In the Family Way

Moderated by James Earl Dotgain IV, this webinar discusses the most efficient way to drive a successful shop into the ground by handing over the reins to Junior, retiring to Florida, and then losing it all to the unprepared next generation and having to return to save the day.

The Making of WhatTheyThink's Swimsuit Issue: A Makeover Reality Show

The controversial WhatTheyThink Swimsuit Issue forced some to cancel their subscriptions while others have new screen savers as a result of its publication. This webinar gives a-behind-the scenes look at how some of the industry's most out-of-shape experts were turned into supermodels. Photoshop geeks will especially enjoy this one!

The Digital Printing Killer App: Counterfeiting

Not since the days of photocopying your backside has this much fun been had in printing. Learn how to fool soda machines and dim witted convenience store clerks with a digital image that is sure to win a Bennie. The digital printing killer app has been found in all its illegal glory.

Overruns: The Key to Filling Capacity

Once upon a time, it was considered normal to ship ten percent over the ordered quantity and get paid for it. Recently a historical document was found that describes this printing innovation. Learn its secrets and you will be 10% closer to a return to the days of overcapacity and 6 week deliveries. Ah, the good old days!

Frank Romano: My Favorite Train Whistles

Frank Romano has long been known as an impersonator. His "George W. Bush" slayed 'em at last year's Graph Expo. Now Romano turns his talented impressionistic skills to the nations' trains. After traveling thousands of miles on Amtrak, he has gotten to know them all. Come listen to one solid hour of shrieks, horns, and clangs in what promises to be the must-attend webinar of the year.

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