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April Fool's Day Special Report:


Heidelberg-Daimler joint venture, Speedmaster Benz

April 1, 2003 -- Today, Heidelberger Druckmaschinen announced it has entered into a joint venture with Daimler Chrysler to produce a mobile sheetfed press. The new product, called the Speedmaster Benz, will allow printers to move their equipment wherever it is needed. A spokesman for the company said, "We have always heard that it was important to be closer to the customer, and we can't think of a more innovative way to do it."

Paper merchants will be offering a companion program, "Warehouse on Wheels," referred to as "WOW," to ensure prompt paper deliveries. Lo-Jack, the satellite car locator service, typically used to find stolen vehicles, will instead be used to help the WOW vehicles locate the traveling presses and make their deliveries. In order to qualify for the program, print buyers and specifiers will need Heidelberg technical personnel to certify their parking lots.

MAN Roland and Komori were rumored to be considering similar programs, but suggested that Heidelberg might have trouble getting presses to print properly if the parking lots had steep inclines. Heidelberg had no comment on this issue, but an executive, who refused to be named, said that they already had solutions to that issue, and was surprised that anyone would think that they had not already taken that problem into account. It was learned, however, that initial installations will be in the Midwestern plains, giving credence to some of the challenges voiced by competitors.

WhatTheyThink inquired about the mileage ratings of the new press, and requested that information from the Environmental Protection Agency. The press produces 2,500 sheets per gallon in the city, and 3,500 sheets per gallon in highway production.


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Special Note: All these stories are presented in the true spirit of April Fool's Day. None of these stories are true, nor are they intended to reflect the strategy and intent of any real person or company. Our purpose with the April Fool's Edition is to elicit a smile, and we hope you will enjoy our spoof! We are an Equal Opportunity Offender: Our contributors name many industry companies in their stories, none of which should be taken seriously. Please offer your feedback.


This was a collective effort by many of our contributors. We decided a universal byline was best since so many helped with each story. Thanks to Gail Nickel-Kailing, Molly Joss, Frank Romano, Cary Sherburne, CAP Ventures, Bill Farquharson, Noel Ward, John Dunn, Paul White, Dr. Joe Webb, Robert FitzPatrick, Steve Aranoff, Vince Marini, Jeremy Smith, John Zarwan


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